‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
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Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
I like doormats that say ‘Welcome’ but they don’t go far enough. I want a trail of doormats saying ‘Welcome’, ‘How was your journey?’, ‘Can I take your coat?’, ‘How’s the family?’, ‘Well, it’s getting late’ and ‘Thanks for coming’. Automate the whole process of entertaining.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
I’m not doing the london marathon today but I reckon if I start training now and eat more healthily, next year I should be able to watch a whole one.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Call me a hoarder if you want but don’t come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My husband and I committed to never yelling at our kids. Then we had kids.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?