‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
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My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
As a lil mental health treat I’ll throw a few beef bullion cubes in my hot tub then sit in it like I’m a slow cooking roast in a crock pot.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
Can’t believe it’s December again, 2023 seems like yesterday.
I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”