‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
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Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
[pitching script]
WRITER: then the motorcyclist removes their helmet…
PRODUCER: *yawns*…and its a woman?
W: it’s a burrito
P: holy shit
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
New Password: Elephants
<Not strong enough>
New Password: Ants
<Too strong>
New Password: BabyBearsPorridge
<Just right>
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
Monday, if you keep this shit up – I’m taking you out of the will.
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
I’m old enough to remember when rainbows were in black and white.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K