Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
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“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Care for your back
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Message from teachers: no clubs this week
Message from club coordinator: no clubs this week
Email AND text message from school: no clubs this week
School electronic sign: no clubs this week
Number of parents who asked if there were clubs this week: not zero
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
my 4yo asked my favorite dinosaur and when I said t-rex he told me I couldn’t have it because that was his so I guess now I have to pick out a new 4yo
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
[cabin rentals]
DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)