Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
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On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
lmao😭🤣
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
Why do they call it a “shit-eating grin”? I don’t think I’d be smiling if I was eating shit.
To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions
Halifax authorities had to remove a deer from a downtown bar. Proving once and for all that Halifax bouncers don’t check IDs.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!