Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
![]()
You Might Also Like
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
The only good thing about grinding your teeth at night is that every morning you can wake up and do a line of teeth off your pillow
Why do authors subtitle their books, “A Novel”. Did someone look at their book one day and say “I thought this was a sandwich?”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Dating advice: Don’t just tell her you have diarrhea, show her
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
If she says “so just what exactly is THAT supposed to mean”… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
![]()
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
adding to the discourse
![]()
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”