Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
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Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
[first day as geologist]
me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
i’m still crying at this
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
one time when i was a kid i fell off my skateboard & hit my head so hard i was briefly able to communicate with bees
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I have information that will lead to the arrest of Moo Deng
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.