Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I get it dogs, I wish I could yell at strangers approaching my house too
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Me: it’s just a few spoonfuls of ice cream, why are you freaking out?
Him: that’s a ladle
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
I don’t care if they ban TikTok I still love Ke$ha.
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?
7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Meow
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I’m only drinking a lot of beer tonight because I need the room in the fridge.
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.