Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
my professor scared me for a second
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
i wasn’t in favor of banning tiktok until i found out there is a part of it called “watertok” where people share “water recipes”. what do you mean water recipes. all you need is cold water. it’s a tasty treat
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
PMS: I’m sorry.
ME: Why? It’s a good day.
PMS: Wait for it.
ME: [2 secs later] DID MY PARENTS REALLY TAKE MY DOG TO A FARM WHEN I WAS 5?!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
A work friend’s daughter is getting married and she asked me to help plan a potato bar for the reception. I did it. I’m a potato planner. I can die now. This is the reason I was born.