Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
How to care for cast iron properly:
1. You’re an adult do whatever you want. Don’t let strangers on the internet tell you what to do it’s a frying pan not a Rembrandt!
2. Don’t you dare put it in the dishwasher.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
You say your baby is 13 months? I hate to break it to you, but there are only 12 months. Your baby is lying to you
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
Waking kids up 1st day of school: hey sweeties time to wake up I made you a frittata, fruit salad, and freshly squeezed orange juice
Waking kids up for the second day of school: EVERYBODY UP WE’RE LATE GRAB A POP TART AND GOOOOO
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait