Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
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California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
Cat 1: hey let’s have a big fight and trash this place
Cat 2: ok, but let’s wait till the human is in a deep sleep for maximum effect
Cat 1: smart. imma barf between the couch cushions while he’s brushing his teeth tho
It’s a good thing the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks, or people might have recognized the 4 giant turtles at their day jobs.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
Of course the five second rule is in effect, have you seen grocery prices?
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you
me: excuse me what
5yo: I can smell more things
7yo: ohh with his nose
5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old
me: wow
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
*invents time machine*
*has an opportunity to right a wrong*
*makes it wronger*
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..