bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
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My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants
Just painted around a ceiling fan and on the next coat I’m gonna turn the damn thing off.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Due to personal reasons, I’ve decided to become a mermaid that lures sailors to their doom.
I follow ripped guys around the grocery store and just buy what they buy
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
When I face a minor setback
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.