bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
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30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: How do you want your coffee?
VADER: On the dark side.
DEATH STAR BARISTA: Debit? Cash?
VADER: Star bucks.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
The glory of fall.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Kids: Can we have cookies for breakfast?
Wife: Absolutely not.
Kids: Then why is he eating cookies for breakfast?
Me [mouth full of Oreos]: BECUFF IM AN ADULTF
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero