bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
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at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
It’s his time
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
[First Date]
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
Oooh. This looks like a fun and sensible web service on which to interact with folks of diverse points of view.
– Me, terrible with first impressions
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
Good for him.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
I have a place for everything. The floor.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?