Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”

“Are you drunk?”

“How do you know?”

“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”

#MothersDay

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.

I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.

[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?

Nobody:

4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?

restaurant
Waiter: Your coffee

Me: Could I have a little spoon please?

Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*

Me: lovely

This cat wants you to take your pills

Me: you need to do your homework

9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself

Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

The charge in my hair clippers died before I finished! I’ve never sympathized more with women in my life.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.

Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.

cop: you have one phone call

me: [dials 911] get me outta here

[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”

But does my hair look good?

There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.

*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*

this bar is not in space

guy: excuse me, can you jump my car

me: *tying shoes* probably how tall is it

guy: no like-

me: *handing phone* take a video

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.

Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated

At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”