bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
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[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
I buried one of those 12ft skeletons in my yard. Gonna make one hell of a true crime podcast someday.
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
It’s a good thing Netflix didn’t release Baby Reindeer around Christmas. There’d have been a lot of angry parents.
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
Who’s the idiot that named it a Brazilian and not a Tropical Smoothie?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
A scientist who studies Adam’s apples is called a guyneckologist.
*runs for mayor*
Mayor: You’re outta shape
A level of petty I can get with 🤣
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
I hope Alan is OK
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*