Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.

Me: You recognize this man?

*slides photo*

Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.

Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.

If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.

gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv

me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*

I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit

I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.

Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?

Wife: get a babysitter.

All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

15 passed his driver’s permit test today. so going forward this will now be a parent horror-comedy account.

Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?

If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.

One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…

This is me 🤣🤣

Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.

Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.

I’m really excited about this amateur autopsy club I just joined.

Tomorrow is open Mike night.

Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*

“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White

The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

when i was on a menswear forum, a n00b claimed his shoes were handwelted, so an older forum member bought a pair of the shoes for $400, ripped them apart, and proved they were not handwelted, thus triggering a series of events that brought down a shoe factory in italy

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.

Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.