Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
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“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
i know i’m gonna be alone forever because one time i went on a date with a guy who told me he was an optometrist for the veterans association and i said “haven’t they seen enough”
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
Trying to imagine being the first swimming pool designer to hear a client say “Yes. Like a kidney. Exactly.”
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.