Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.

Announcer: Oh dear.

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?

*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.

bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage

Robber: [hands teller a note]

Teller: [reads note] You want me to “pretend” to hand over all the money?

R: Yes, and hurry it up!

T: Why?

R: We’d never done this before so we’re doing a dry run to work out the kinks before we rob you tomorrow.

T:

R: How am I doing so far?

Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*

8: where are my M&Ms?

Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?

8: the ones from grandma

Me: what grandma?

8: my grandma

Me: is she though?

8: I don’t understand

Me: well go to your room and think about it

8:

Me:

8: *walks off*

Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.

One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”

I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!

it kinda makes me laugh when I see old men put “not interested in bots” in their bios on here, as though the bots will read it and are thereby be obligated to respect their boundaries like they did back in the good old bot days of yore

My wedding anniversary is next week. Does anyone have an idea for a gift that conveys the sentiment ‘our love is priceless’ for under $75?

[Command Center]

*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*

Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today

[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’

Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”

I feel bad for tailgating this minivan so closely but once I started watching Kung Fu Panda on his back seat TV I had to see it through.

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

*at a restaurant, eating burgers*

Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”

Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”

Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*

I get shy when my man stares at me for too long because what if he’s realizing I’m actually a lil ug-ly 😭😂

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods