Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.
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[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
My closet is like 15 shirts I plan to fit into again and 1 shirt I wear every day.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
dislike seeing adult twins in public. feels like they’re going to ask me a riddle
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
[at specialist office]
Service desk: witch doctor are you here to see?
Me: I’m here for…did you just say witch doctor?
SD: no
M: you sure?
SD: *shakes skeleton head maracas behind desk* no
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school