Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

4yo: You have wrinkles.

My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.

Me: But you have them every day.

Friend: I sleep every night.

Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.

just taught my 3yo to sing “if you’re happy and you’ve no wit, clap your hands” and then laugh at the people clapping

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Arrest that man!

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane

If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.

ㅤ

I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher

The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.

I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.

Me: I’ll drink to that!

Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”

Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN

me: hi

Danny Devito: well hello there

Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.

If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”

It means take a nap.

When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?

Me: no honey.

Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.

Me: yes but he has legs.

Daughter: Ariel has legs too.

[later]

Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?

Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.

Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth

You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.