*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
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painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
[first day as a chiropractor]
assistant: all your patients are complaining
me: I mean…it’s my first day, I’m still trying to get the hang of it
assistant: ok, but do you really have to sing “baby got back” every time?
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
i can’t work under these festive conditions
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.