*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
You Might Also Like
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
no one ever talks about the cheerful reaper.
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
A roof is a house hat.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
A rusted van sits under a bridge.
Rats gnaw on moldy Scooby Snacks.
Shaggy takes a hit off the pipe.“WHY COULDN’T YOU LOVE ME VELMA?”
If you rub two sticks together fast enough, you’ll eventually start a widespread panic on the subway.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..
my cartoon in the New Yorker this week
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
me watching my own Instagram story
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”