Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Guy

The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.

So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

[emergency room]

DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain

ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox

I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it

billionaire: we’re all in this together

everyone: you lost money too?

billionaire: haha no i am somehow richer

and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?

my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese

The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back

You know what’s going to happen and it’s still funny every time 😂

10 year old me preparing to tell my mom at 9pm I need glue and construction paper for my project due tomorrow.

Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping

[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.

Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong

Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority

Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?

Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*

*bark*

“What’s that Lassie?”

*bark bark*

“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”

*bark*

“Ooh, dinnertime.”

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.

ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?

HIM: Maui

ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?

I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.

–me on house hunters

Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.