Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
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H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
Church Pugh’s
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Horror movies don’t get enough credit for encouraging kids to pursue research at their local library
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
I gently knocked a beetle off my lampshade to catch and release, it landed in my water which I poured into the sink to save it from drowning, and it ended up going down the drain. This is 2020.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
I thought I liked the style of the clothes on Temu, but then when I got them I realized I just liked the perfectly tan skin and soft beach waves of the models, and those were missing from my order
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
new workout goal is to have a body where after I commit a crime, the media posts my shirtless pics and everyone’s like WOW
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
You can now get 100% accurate weather information direct to your smartphone. Simply open the camera app, take a picture of the sky then look at the image.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
do you know who else makes a Big Mac using all 54 ingredients so I don’t have to
Leave ‘em wanting more. That’s what I always
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
yikes
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
This one takes the trophy 😭😭
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.