Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
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When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?
Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
Based Erika
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
wife: our daughter jumped off the roof?!?!?
me: she thought she could fly
wife: did you yell at her?
me: of course! I screamed “FLAP HARDER” but she didn’t listen
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
✌🏽
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
They’re on their honeymoon
Netflix: We have Less
