Bringing back this classic
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Why do we have to label everything? Idk… call me your emotional support bounce house for all i care
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
I wish the vaccine made ME magnetic. I can never find my keys.
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
Wait a minute…
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
My ex-wife could’ve pushed Gandhi to violence.
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
i’m an idiot but secretly a genius but even more secretly than that, i’m an idiot
Does anything good ever escape from a lab