Bringing back this classic
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Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Remember when you were 16 in drama class and you were like “Pfft. Whatever, I’ll never use this” and then your parents open their now empty liquor cabinet and you had to be like “Forsooth! What treachery has befallen my family?”
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Bloggers be like, “5 Reasons Why Breathing Air is Good For You”
I think they could have phrased this better
Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
I’M TOO SEXY FOR MY RADIATION SUIT I scream as I run out into the wasteland. So sexy it hurts. Oh god it hurts. Help-
10: Mom did you ride a horse and buggy when you were younger?
Me: Go to your room.
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Bus driver: *over intercom* it appears we have lost our brakes
Everyone: *freaking out*
Bus driver: which is dumb because I used to get 10 minute breaks every 2 hours
Everyone: *calms down*
Bus driver: oh also we are headed for a cliff
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.