Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
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Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Michael Myers in his 60’s walking around killing people like he got no lower back pain
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:
1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
DO NOT PRE-ORDER. wait for the reviews!!
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Me: We are leaving in an hour
Teens: Okay
*58 mins later*
Teens: *start cooking their lunch*
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Technically, it’s not gluttony if you refer to it as an “Emotional Support Snack”.
[funeral]
WIFE: remember, don’t be stupid
ME: *to widow* I’m sorry u lost your husband
WIDOW: thank you
ME: do u want me to go look for him
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
(Arrives at Topgolf bay for date night)
Wife: have you registered here before?
Matrix: idk, put my email in.
(“Osama bin Golfin” pops up on the screen)
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
This will teach them to underestimate me
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark