Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
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I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
just spent a solid 6 seconds concerned about the sounds my stomach was making before realizing it was a motorcycle outside
I bet the first guy who threw shit into a fan never knew what an incredible legacy he would leave.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
john wicks are toilet candles
*When I see someone else jaywalk*
“What an idiot.”
*When I jaywalk*
“I am a trained professional. Do not attempt this yourself.”
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
Wikigenius
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.
*tries to suppress yawn in meeting*
eyes: *water*
*looks like I’m crying in meeting*
me: yeah this is better
Doctor: You have a disease
Me: Oh no!
Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise
Me: Oh no!
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“male healers in final fantasy games are weird it feels gay to be healed by a man”
folks are we gonna tell him about real life doctors or nah
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Getting escorted outta Panera for doing keg stands at the charged lemonade machine.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*