Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.

Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?

I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”

*jazz hands*

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down

*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar

The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.

My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.

I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises

First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”

People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm

Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?

Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?

I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.

They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.

one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life

ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!

MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.

Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.

If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.