Bringing home a sharpie
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New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[someone breaks into the house]
Your dog: I will protect my family and our belongings
My dog: OMG OMG NEW FRIENDS HI I LOVE YOU LETS PLAY
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don’t know who’s winning
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
You did. You thought of vanilla with meat, you absurd rutabaga. Go put yourself in the corner and think about what you’ve done, while blaming the recipe author for your own stupidity.
(Recipe was for Hamburger Steak with Onions and Gravy)
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
if a beer is 8 bucks it’s a show
if a beer is 14 bucks it’s a concert
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
You’re never alone. Theres mold
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
REASONS FOR MY SCARS:
1. Bitten by a crocodile while rescuing orphans.
2. Bitten by an angry tiger.
3. Beaten up for lying**By a massive crocodile
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
My toddler was crying because she couldn’t be in the same room as my husband when he was in a work meeting. In an effort to console her, my 10-year-old told her one day she’ll also get to do work meetings. This, rightfully so, made her cry harder.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
Stop normalising things, we’ll run out of the weird shit
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
“Do not touch” must be one of the scariest things to read in braille.