Bringing home a sharpie
You Might Also Like
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
These 3D printers are insane!
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
My husband complained that I never do a Sunday roast so I’ve spent the last hour writing jokes about his bald spot, his skinny legs and the fact that he can’t grow a beard.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
Of course I look tired, it’s hard pretending to be awake.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
reduce, reuse, recycle
