Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

Some of you reached your wit’s end almost immediately.

My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval

just leave the danger noodle alone

sincerely,

a medical toxicologist

I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.

Bobcat Escapes National Zoo #WhatDoYouThink?

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*

“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious

(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET

Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness

Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*

For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.

Dear boyfriend, i can make ur girlfriend scream louder than u can.

Sincerely, spiders

If someone starts talking to you, easily get out of the conversation by nodding while climbing the nearest tree.

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity

I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point

Before Google, if you didn’t know something you had to go ask someone and most of the time they couldn’t help you, and now that’s also how Google works

I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!

Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?

Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?

Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.

*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*

Me: what?

Nobody:

Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family

I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.

It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.