Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
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I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
you see me struggling as i carry a dozen loaves of bread down the street. “that guy must be a chef,” you think to yourself. wrong. baguette fight club
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
Used to be a hairdresser. Once when trimming a bob my pinkie finger slipped into the clients mouth. Awkward eye contact ensued. We’ve been married 24 years. Only joking, he never came back to the salon.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
“Dress for the job you want”, they say. Well, I always wanted to be a professional boxer, and now I can’t open this packet of crisps, so thanks a bunch for that.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Flock of bats
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
F•r•i•e•n•d•s only its D•o•g•s
but instead of claps in the theme song,
barks
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.