Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
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“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles ?? The assistant said. Hardback. I said. Yeah, with little heads.
Good news class—you are exactly 9 years old, so from here on out, we’ll exclusively be reading books where the dog dies.
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.