Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.

To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.

I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.

Wife: play your cards right and you’re getting lucky tonight

Narrator: He did not play his cards right

this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child

* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.

Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*

them: did u get my email?

me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?

I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker

PSA: If you end your meeting early, you let the people go. you don’t say “lets use this extra time to chat and catch up”. i don’t want to, kevin. i want to not be here.

*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*

…they just keep sending more…

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

Jus’ sayin. 😐

Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?

Me: Violently.

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: No further questions.

[outpost in the Arctic Circle]

“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”

BOSS: The days last 6 months here

“Sonofa…”

I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.

verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet

People say you have to study Shakespeare in school, but Shakespeare never studied Shakespeare and look at him. He became Shakespeare.

I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.

[1st day as chef]
Waiter: table 3 want soufflé
Me [an hour later]: I can do toast, tell them they can have toast, it’s like bread but harder