Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
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*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
*me trying to bond with my 30 year old male coworkers* ah yes, i also had a brutal leg day, i woke up again with legs
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
Got my COVID test result back. 70, whatever that means. Luckily I also got my IQ test results and they were positive
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
Me & my mate are Scots. We were visiting England & got arrested for being drunk and disorderly. The English cops really believed our names (in Scottish accent) were Ben Doon and Phil McAvity. We were only rumbled when the Scottish desk sergeant at the station burst out laughing.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
