Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week

I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁

My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.

A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.

My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

no one:

my cat: look, i am 56 years old and i used to be homeless so i think i’m entitled to eat just a little plastic,

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood

Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days

Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.

[ the manger ]

me: so what’s his name

mary: jesus christ

me: hey watch your language around the baby

I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.

[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*

new challenge called “don’t say ‘woow it’s already dark by five these days’ for the rest of winter” challenge

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.

He threw his hands in the air.
And he waved em like he just didn’t care.
In hindsight, he was the worst airplane runway guide we ever hired.

My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.

Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.

Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow

For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”

So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.

It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.

wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!

[later]

ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what