I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
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Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
The only good comments section online is on recipes
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Pretty sure it’s easier to break a person out of a maximum security prison than break a Barbie doll out of its package.
Sorry, I can’t make it. Can’t find my “goin out” sweatpants.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
what could possibly go wrong?
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls