Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
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As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
People who are “more than happy” should donate serotonin.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
My 11-year-old is talking about what she wants her future house to look like and I’m pretty sure she is describing a zoo.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired