*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
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me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
Bought a gas station breakfast burrito and the cashier said “ good luck”
~ now I’m scared
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Two types of dogs.
Husband: Want to go for a run?
Me: You know I don’t run.
Also me: *sees a food truck and takes off running*
A wise man once said nothing.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Punctuation Matters. Period.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??