*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
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The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
Don’t worry about the people that drink Coke or Pepsi, worry about the ones that say “I’m fine with either”
It’s never been safer to eat the rich, at least you know they’re getting tested regularly
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
4 drew a picture of a unicorn and asked if I’d stick it on the fridge and I said no because unicorns don’t like cold places but really it’s because the drawing was shit
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
Working with older people is annoying sometimes. Sir, your lunch at my age was Gin. Why you hassling me about adding salad dressing?!
Asks AI, “I nicked my leg shaving.”
AI results, “Remove leg”
The cool thing about being a procrastinator is really bad ideas also don’t ever make it off the ground.
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
If I had a hill house I would simply not allow it to be haunted
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
[first day as lifeguard]
Kid: *waving dramatically*
Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value