Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*

ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*

ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*

And bowling should be called pinball

[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”

I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.

Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?

You want me to go apple picking? The original sin???

Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”

Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.

Perhaps you could be persuaded to look the other way, Officer.

MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Watching Dirty Dancing as a teenager: Damn right nobody puts baby in a corner

Watching Dirty Dancing as an adult: That child needs to be handcuffed to one of her parents at all times

Sometimes when I get a retweet… I blow on my phone, twirl it and slide it into my belt holster, then ride off into the sunset like a dork.

“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.

I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.

“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”

Villain: Does crimes.

Super Villain: Does crimes, uses self-aggrandizing adjectives.

Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?

Guy about to invent balloons:

I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!

Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?

Cop: Do you know how fast-

Toddler in backseat: We’re playing a game called “hide this bag for Daddy!”

Cop: …Sir is that your son

Me: I don’t have a son

Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….

3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week

Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.