Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”

Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”

Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.

Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.

psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*

If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.

Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

[doing crossword]

Me: emphatic no; five letters
Wife: never

Me: pistol; three letters
Wife: gun

Me: disgust; three letters
Wife: ugh

Me: charity; four letters
Wife: give

Me: female sheep; three letters
Wife: ewe

Me: Pixar movie; two letters
Wife: Up

Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.

Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.

I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.

mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]

don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay

Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.

DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”

ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”

I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

My dog does such a good job we have never been attacked by a UPS truck.

SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too

An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist

Heroic Misunderstanding

bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit

WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…

Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.

-Kids

I just post them. I don’t explain them.

100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?