*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
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ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
Twitter fine art
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
If you feel yourself getting bored because you’ve spent too much of your day in bed, just roll to the other side. It’s like a fresh start
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
as if an earthquake wasn’t bad enough, i just found out michael jackson died
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
A Tinder app, only you hook up with the best buffets in your town
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
somewhere, in an alternate universe
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.