*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
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Conservatives say the problem is Christianity ain’t taught in schools. The real problem is Christianity ain’t taught in church.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
I love when British people call it a “rubbish bin,” like my kitchen trash got a monocle
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
dorian gray goes on hot ones and he eats all the wings no problem but then when he gets home his portrait is really sweaty and begging for milk
The company CEO gives a few words of personal appreciation each year at the holiday party.
I got, “Oh, you’re still here?”
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
pikachu had tasted human flesh and now his hunger could not be satisfied
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
“Welcome to the library, can I help you”
“Yeah I need you to make copies and and find the forms I need from this website and print them and also could I get a pen and an envelope”
“Shall I pick up your dry cleaning too?”
“Oh my gosh do you guys do that, that would be amazing”
My favorite farside!!
