*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
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Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
New tinder profile pic
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
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4.
5.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
No pants were worn during the making of this tweet.
My purse is deeper than some people.
Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Ralph thought she had a nerve to scream when she was the one trying to pee on him.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?