*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
You Might Also Like
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
Teach one orca how to play Battleship and look what happens.
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
When my wife is mad at me, I like to straighten our wedding picture on the wall and say “for better or worse.”
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
placebo pills? more like sike meds
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
so this horse walks into a bar
[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”
how to have an accident 101
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?