*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
[after recapturing an escaped convict]
sheriff: “congratulations on your absquatulation from prison but its time to go back to the slammer”
convict:
deputy *feels for a pulse*: “sheriff, hes absquatulated!”
sheriff: “we really need separate Word of the Day calendars”
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
my girlfriend is such a good actor haha she likes to pretend like she doesn’t exist and is just apart of my imagination
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Have kids close in age so they can be friends and so you don’t sleep for 7 years.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
When someone trying to leave me
Look forward to Chick-fil-A introducing their Only Some People Are Allowed to Be Happy Meal.