*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
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Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
Hey dude, can i borrow your laptop? I want to shop for a new computer but it feels cruel to do that on the one I’m replacing.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
911: what’s your emergency?
me: there’s a really loud fight next door
911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun
me: omg thank you
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
“Knock knock”
“Whose there?”
“The spelling police”
“Oh know!”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.
First date questions
1) are you married?
2) is someone married to you?
3) are you married without your knowledge?
4) is there someone that you’re attached to in a married way?
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
If its a ghost ship why does it have to be on water
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*