Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!

KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed

Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

Tell us a scary story!

Ok kids, gather around
*holds flashlight up to face
And I’ll tell you all that is evil

*puts wedding tape in VCR

Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.

Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?

Mom: 27

Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”

me: [searching for the will to live]

will: I have a girlfriend

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud

“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Never forget.

I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.

random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!

Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.

Me: How much do I owe?

Gov’t: You have to figure that out.

Me: I just pay what I want?

Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.

Me: What if I get it wrong?

Gov’t: You go to prison

“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge

If you broke up with your gf who works at a salad bar you can use the line “lettuce romaine friends” at a low cost of my student loans.

There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.

“Wanna feel old..?”

No. Next question.

And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?

mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice

Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.

Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE

“the best laid plans of mice & men oft go astray” sure but i bet mice are bringing down the average

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep

Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working

My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—

every time he drives.

This device could predict incoming phone calls.

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.