*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
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I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[sprays air freshener so my date can’t tell i just took a shit]
uber driver: what was that
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
*seductively wipes mashed potatoes from my eyebrow*
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth