*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
“Oh my gosh, this is the biggest donut I’ve ever seen.”
“Mam, that’s a tire.”
“Kids, get me a napkin.”
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
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Me: Same
Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?
Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Twitter dot com. *sigh*
Whack a mole is not a conventional dermatological treatment method.
boss: what are u doing
me: *pretends to read email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read email”