*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
Scientists are so cheap they will literally split the atom
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.