*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.
I wish people could jam like printers. Someone hands you a piece of paper & you could read half, throw it on the ground, stomp on it, pick it up, crumble it, straighten it back out, & then hand it back to them all mangled. For fun.
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense