*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
math teacher: you currently have a 55% in this class and you need at least 60% to pass
me: is there anything i can do to raise my grade?
math teacher: if you do this one assignment, i’ll give you 10% extra credit
me:
math teacher:
me: i don’t- is that going to be enough
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
shouting “corner!” and “behind!” while heating up cup noodles in the office break room
Our wedding pic looks like my wife’s selfie photo bombed by me.
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
Whenever I take my kids to the zoo I think this is exactly where they belong.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories