*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
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next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
the dark web is just a goth google.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
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*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: So I was wondering…*slowly finishes her drink*…if you’d like to see my bedroom
ME: Oh no thank you, I don’t have any interest in home decor[4 days later]
ME *spits out coffee* DAMN IT
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Who called it a pillow fight and not attack with a bedly weapon?
Thank you.
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
I never picked my nose. I was born with it.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?