Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
💻🤡
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*
the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
The cardboard crowds are getting a little Rowdy at the game.
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money