Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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Sure my haircuts weren’t always great, but Mom did the best she could while also frying bacon, talking on the phone and smoking a cigarette.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Can’t. Just put my hair in a bun and that’s just about enough exercise for today.
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Pretty weird that a hamster I had for three months at the age of six plays such an important role in my adult life as a part of my online banking security protocol
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
ME: is he always this quiet
WIDOW: *sobs harder*
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?