Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Why can’t I track the Grubhub driver AFTER he’s given me my food? What if I want to make sure he gets home okay
Me: trump keeps obfuscating the truth
Wife: i see you learned a new word
Me: i obfuscately did
Wife:
Me: what are we obfuscating for dinner
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
🤣🤣🤣
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Potential serial killer in Stockton, CA. Be on the look out in the Stockton area and in California as a whole. Watch this video to see what we know! Important!! But also watch this ad first
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time