Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
Mom always said I had a special power. How did she put it? Oh yeah…
“Constant super-vision”
doctor looking at his iPad: oh no, this isn’t good …
Me: give it to me straight doc what is it
doctor: well, I forgot my wifi password
[first day at ninja school]
*wonders if i’m in the right room as i can’t see or hear anyone else*
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
Bing: It’s Dutch! This tweet is in Dutch! Let me translate it for you!
Me: no it isn’t, she just said “hahahaha”
Bing: come on give me a shot you won’t regret this
Me: fine i’ll click it
Bing (instantly): Could Not Translate
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.
Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.