Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Robots are now performing major surgeries, which means my dream of having the Fox NFL robot give me a prostate exam is closer than ever.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Any other ladies having their period during this Friday the 13th Full Moon want to meet up and combine powers? I’ll bring a salad.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
im gay on my mothers side
🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
A comic by Dan Piraro
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
IS YOUR WEDDING GOING TO BE OPEN CASKET?
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Just once I’d like to see 25 tiny cars come out of a clown.