Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
“If decorative towels can be a thing then decorative grills can be a thing”
~Me buying a cool looking copper charcoal grill that I don’t really need.
Seems legit.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
The decibel level of my car singing is not commensurate with my talent
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.