Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
![]()
You Might Also Like
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
![]()
Just heard a woman say, “I never give my dog medicine I haven’t tried first” and her friend responded, “oh, Janet, no.”
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
![]()
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?