Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
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What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
Rats the size of cats!
Cats the size of dogs!
Dogs the size of horses!
They’ve definitely put the wrong prescription in my new glasses.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
Sorry I’m late, traffic is exactly how it’s been every day for the past 5 years, and I was not expecting that.
my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
After living in terror for 27 years, Gloria Estefan’s threat is realized; I open my car door, and am brutally attacked by the rhythm.
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool