*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
Every time I tell my lab puppy to “drop it!” I hope it’s going to be a rock or a Hot Wheels car or a piece of mulch and not a whole live frog like it was last week
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
*Opens a window and the wind blows 84 hamburger wrappers from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
The Others (2001)
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
just saw a guy tweet “be a good kitten and behave for daddy” lmao bro have u ever met a cat??
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?