*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
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FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
#Caturday
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Is there a Mr. Fields?” I say to my twelfth cookie, all the while knowing she’s all mine.
Rules for meeting a puppy:
1 be cool
2 pet it
3 do not steal it
4 stop running from the owner
5 put it down
6 this isn’t worth jail time
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
-Do you have this t-shirt on large
-Sir, it’s a yard sale
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
My son called someone a rascal. I thought he turned 11 a couple weeks ago but clearly it was 80
May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.