[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
Brain, I know you’re trying hard but you are not doing a good job.
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
By Kate Hatos
according to every romcom i’ve ever seen, i should find love at the airport today . will keep all of you posted
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I’m going on an all breadcrumb diet because I’ve never seen a duck with a double chin.
Seek kebab; not attention
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Every now and then something happens on TikTok that transcends social media and becomes a *work of art*
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
wife: you need to do more around the house
me: can you change the subject please?
wife: yes, this house needs more work done by you
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
me when i know i have to be awake in a couple of hours
[Psychiatrist’s Office]
ME: So do I just lie on the couch over here?
PSYCHIATRIST: Actually this works much better if you tell the truth.
asking santa clause for nudes
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Dr: You have walking pneumonia.
Me: That’s impossible.
Dr: Wha..
Me: I’ve never walked a day in my life.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.