[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
Imagine being a ghost in a school and you think no one notices you, but then one day you hear everyone talking about ‘school spirit’ and you get super pumped and think ‘man, maybe they DO know im here’ and then you find out that school spirit is a pizza lunch and jeans day
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
All the good Liam Neeson jokes are Taken.
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person