Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—

Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs

“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.

“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”

*Checks soles of both my shoes*

“….left, ladies.”

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

[in bathroom stall]

Me: …

Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.

Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.

Jeff: i’m pro gun.

Me: i’m anti gun.

Greg: i’m vegan.

Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.

Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments

Settle down, guy who brought a hammock to a public park. You’re working awfully hard to show us how relaxed you are.

I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..

I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

I’ve got 45 chairs in my garage from receptionists asking me to take a seat.

Harry: Want to see a magic trick?

Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.

Harry: Got your nose!

Voldemort: You know I hate that game.

the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.

I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.

Me [being murdered in my home]:

“Can you take your shoes off?”

Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat

BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.

God: you’ll be man’s best friend

Cat: nah

God: wh-what

Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*

Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu

God: ok you have a point

Dog, to cat: ilove-

Cat: *swats nose* no