Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.

Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.

The pizza theorem:

“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”

-Science

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998

When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime

sweet dreams💖

Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.

Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.

I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB

Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job

All the junk foods you eat through the holidays can bind you up. It happens. But I have a colonoscopy coming soon so the prep will take care of all that.

New Year, new bowels. Gotta look for the bright side.

Me: 🎶I don’t wanna work
I wanna bang on my drum all day
Every day when I get home from work
I feel so frustrated, the boss is a jerk
I get my sticks and go out to the shed
And I pound on that drum like it was the boss’s head
Because-🎶

Boss: Reminder to mute yourselves, please

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”

Hear me out, a q-tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away…

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.

[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?

Children of the Corn Man

Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.

It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed

Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.