*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
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Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall