*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
eyes: what’s that
me with eye drops: nothing.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
Love this guy
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.