*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
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Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age
“Quit” is not in my vocabulary but “resign”, “drop out”, and “give up” are.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Santa Claus isn’t real. Ain’t no man checking a list twice
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
i hate when someone rings my doorbell because then i have to drop whatever i’m doing to be silent and pretend i’m not home.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
ME: Alexa, am I drunk?
TUBE OF PRINGLES:
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.