Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?

Only parents of toddlers know the anxiety of finding a sharpie lid on the floor.

ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.

MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.

8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*

Being an adult is stupid.

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.

I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily

But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special

Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars

I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?

Her: Of course…

*walks out 26 minutes later*

Thanks.

rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

Did…did a minotaur write this

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Okay

I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered

Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.

Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

ME: We rescued her from the pound, but I often ask myself “who saved who?”

DOG: We’ve been over this…it’s “Who saved ‘whom’.”

[first date]

HER: I’m a really big cat person

ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat

The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks

Our former nanny is pregnant and while I’m happy for her I’m mostly just relieved that my kids didn’t ruin her desire to be a parent

Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.

You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?

Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…

After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.

Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.

Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once

Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?