Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

According to my chocolate advent calendar tomorrow is Christmas

It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.

me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up

Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no

*reaches for the stars*

Stars: I have a boyfriend

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?

“Well butter my biscuit”

-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment

[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious

The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests

they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.

I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.

Statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a vending machine than a shark. But here at SharkVend™, we think we may have found a way to even those odds.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]

Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.

Or so I’ve been told.

Twice now.

Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.

The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.

Just walked up at the movies and the box-office lady looks at me and goes “lemme guess, one for Furiosa?” like wtf, come on bro. Also yes, one for Furiosa.

in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there

“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!

*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*

*checks for abs, finds a clown

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Hey, do you guys remember when people kept those little wax paper cups in the bathroom so that when you were thirsty you could have a little toilet water?

Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat

One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me

Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam