Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the lady at the DMV asked if I wanted to be an organ donor, I told her, “Yes, but only if I die.”

You don’t want grapes on your cookie? What if I told you the grapes were crazy old?

Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.

Mars has enough problems already.

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.

[15:00]
I’m not really feeling this edible.

[15:30]
*trying to order chinese food from starbucks*

My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”

ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something

“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig

My dad teaching me to drive

Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.

my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive

What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?

There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.

*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*

Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.

Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.

Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant

All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss

Passengers always complaint about airport prices, but where else can you get a burger for only £5?

TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff

Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?

Me: Boiling water?

Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.

me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?

sean bean: you want my autograph or not?

me: I do, shawn bawn.

I’m getting dangerously close to the age where I type the thing I’m searching for into the status update field.

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship.

“Which one is you?”

– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.

DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making

ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS

[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit

my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter

*after 12 tequila shots*
Left eye – It’s PARTY TIME!!
Right eye – I’m beat, I’m going to lie down in the corner

count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video