Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

oh my god

Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.

Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements

Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order

Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them

ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:

“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”

Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.

Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.

My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Me: Sure.

[BANG]

Me: it’s 4 35 pm.

The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?

someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore

stop asking me if i’m tired, can’t i just be ugly.

Walk of shame

Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up

thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes

So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.

I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo

Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.

I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops

Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.

[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]

screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeam

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

was Jim off killing horses or…

I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.

Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.

Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.