Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!

– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.

No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother

If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂

He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct

I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?

“Do you love the shape of hamburgers but hate that delicious taste?” -Veggie Burgers

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?

When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.

When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.

*licks finger, holds it up in the air*

ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.

Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

Scully: that fish sandwich from lunch isnt sitting right.

Mulder: (tosses a file down on the desk) Ever hear of the Tummy Ache Ghost?

In banana years, I am bread.

I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.

If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?

Movies, when someone gently places a blanket over a sleeping woman: she smiles in her sleep and snuggles in.

Me, when someone gets within 5 feet of me while I’m sleeping: starts boxing the air like Rocky on his second wind taking down Drago.

Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.