Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say “do something today that makes the world a better place”…….so I’m getting drunk.

I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??

I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”

I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.

Me : I will never work for my boss again…

She : Why ? What did he said to you??

Me : ‘You are Fired’

im a single issue voter and this is my issue

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

Them: You need to get a sense of humor.

Me: You need to say something funny.

Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.

[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

Therapist: What is your greatest fear

Me: That Daniel Day Lewis could be playing the role of any person in my life

Therapist: *starts shifting very uncomfortably*

*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*

[My funeral]

Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust

*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*

Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?

Me: I have a headache.

WebMD: and it will be your last.

Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.

[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.

What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?

Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos

My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.

horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.