Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee

1980s : average parent ; 4 kids

2016: average kid ; 4 parents

My wife asked me if I have plans for the weekend. It’s like she doesn’t even read my weekly newsletter.

NURSE: She’s in a coma. She’s been on hungerstrike

[boyfriend walks in with just enough chips for himself]

PATIENT: *Opens one eye*

If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.

“Can I help you?”

“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”

“So, you’re here about the job?”

“Most indubitably.”

Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY

me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying

To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”

Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho

The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

Hate weight limit signs in the elevator. Then I’m put in the awkward position of telling some pregnant woman she has to take the stairs.

Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’

Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.

People think I’m a good listener but I’m really just solid at nodding

Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?

BLEACH I MIGHT BE

The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.

NEW! “How to Act” DVD by Kristen Stewart!

In love:

😐

Uncertain:

😐

Just married:

😐

Pregnant:

😐

Dead:

😐

Only $139.95! Act now!

4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh

I’m so angry right now that I could strategically throw my phone at a safe spot on the couch.

What the hell happened in there??

700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides

Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..

*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*

So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.

Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.

Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.

Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.

You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

me: *emerging from a ten year coma*

dad: well look who finally got up