Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I falcon love using swear birds

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”

[before sex]

Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador

Her: why’s that?

Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags

BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please

Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.

[in ambulance after being shot]

can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?

“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow

robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot

me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble

robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich

me: what do you think is in my wallet

has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade

You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.

The median voter

Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.

Me: You better eat your vegetables

My kid: but why

Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow

My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.

My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?

Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*

Me: My eyes are up here.