*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
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YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
3yo: Do you want to play princesses with me?
Me: Of course!
3yo: Ok, I’ll be Ariel. Who do you want to be?
Me: Sleeping Beauty.
3yo: How come you always pick her?
Me:
3yo:
Me: *already asleep on the couch*
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
My iPod can hold over 3,000 songs, or one voicemail from my mom..
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
thought i was a minimalist, but it turns out i’m just broke
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.