*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
AWWWW 😍
This is way better than “Live, Laugh, Love.”
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
there’s probably a fee though
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
If you don’t laugh EVERY time my phones screams..
“BRING OUT YOUR DEAD!”
We probably won’t be hiding a body together any time soon.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: OMG!! Thank you! What are they
I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.
*me brushing my daughter’s hair
my watch: are you working out?