*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
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HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
The invention of fish in the early 1900’s was the best thing to ever happen to the tartar sauce industry.
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
one thing they don’t tell you in driving school is that it’s ok to miss your exit and get off on the next one and loop back, instead of coming nearly to a full stop in the middle of the freeway or careening across multiple lanes of traffic quickly to try to make it
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???